I don’t think you understand my problem. I miss my sons and my grandchildren terribly. If I got down on my knees and apologized for being such a terrible person, they would probably slowly forgive me. We could go back to just the way it was. The sad thing is, this is identical to what my wife wanted. To come back home so life can be just the way it was. We need to can look down on you. We need a home for our contempt. We need to despise Daddy.

My youngest son has a wall in his home for family pictures. When I would go to visit I looked at the pictures, dozens of them. But not one of his own father. My picture was in a different room. All alone. I was in a separate category. Don’t contaminate the Family wall. He would allow me to help him with home improvement projects and was grateful for the help and it was my greatest happiness to help him. When I had a meal with them I always felt like a visitor, like a guest. Never like a beloved member of the family. There is a big difference. It’s something you can feel. You can feel in your heart, warmth or coolness. Smiles and spoken words mean nothing at all. Love doesn’t require words. Love is a feeling. Words come from the brain. Love comes from the heart. Coolness really hurts.

My oldest son didn’t want me in his house at all. I am a carpenter. Building things is how I show my love. He allowed me to help him a couple of times and then he got someone else to help him. This is so I am not able to express my love. This is the equivalent of saying, Shut up. This makes me someone who is a visiting sandwich-eater and does nothing else. Enough of this. It makes me sick to write this.

I don’t see them anymore, my two sons, their families, my grandchildren. Why?

I became very angry at them one time. I expressed my anger one time. They haven’t spoken to me since. You see, I am not allowed any anger. Here’s what finally made me blow up. What made me prove to them what a bad man I am.

My birthday coincides with a couple of birthdays in The Family. My sons would take their families to the old farm and celebrate those other birthdays. Some time later they would get around to celebrating my birthday. This happened every time. It was always clear celebrating my life was of no great importance. When I turned 70 all alone, I became very angry. I let them know I was very angry. They stopped speaking to me for two years. This is so reminiscent of their mother. Following her Will. Putting me in silence. This let me know: this is the way they wanted it to go. Now they had their own absolute proof that I was a bad man with a bad temper. Shun him.

I sold my house and I moved away, something I thought I would never do. It makes me sick but my love turn into revulsion. I do not know what I would say to either of them if I saw them. They were my sons and now they are something else. They have grown up into something else.

This is what is hurting so badly. This is what to leave behind. That I had a family and that family no longer exists. I held on for a very long time and now I must let it go. Time to face reality.

Not excepting reality is what causes sadness. This is what I have been told. I have fought against reality for a long time. That reality is two sons who think I hurt their mother. Who think I destroyed my family. Who think I can’t be trusted. The reality is I have two sons who don’t love me. That hurts like hell.

That is what to leave behind.